Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.: March 2005

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

Tuesday, March 29, 2005


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Monday, March 28, 2005

Lawnmower Man

Ugh, I am in pain right now. Today I mowed my parents' lawn. I haven't mowed a lawn in around ten years. Back when I was like 13, 14, and 15, I used to mow lawns for money, but I don't think I've mowed a lawn since then. I may have mown my parents' lawn a couple of times since then, but I know I haven't even done that in at least five years. I asked my parents the other day if they'd pay me for mowing their lawn this spring and summer, because I desperately need both the money and the exercise. They said yes, for both reasons, they agree I really need the exercise too. I am getting terrible out of shape, I hardly ever leave the house or anything except for work. I work, then come home and sit in front of the computer for 7 hours, then on my days off, I sit in front of the computer for about 15 hours. I hardly ever even get up and walk around the apartment, except to go to the bathroom, or to go to the kitchen to get something to eat.

I am in so much pain right now, I can barely move. I don't even want to think about what I'll be like tomorrow. I don't know if I'll even be able to go to work tomorrow, I'll probably be so sore. I'm not calling in for that though. Especially since I'm trying to get more hours, I'm not going to try to get off work early as much, and stuff like that. And I'm going to seriously try to go find some little second job. I keep meaning to apply at Subway, because that seems like a very easy job. The Subway here hardly ever even has any customers when I drive by.

I'm not as out of shape as my pain makes me sound, because it was more than just simply mowing a lawn. It was the first mowing of the year, and so there was lots of other stuff I had to do first, it took me almost 5 hours to do everything. My parents have a big tree in the front yard, that drops thousands of these tiny, spikey wooden ball things, and the yard was just thick with them, so I had to rake them all up, and then bend over and put the piles into sacks. There was four large yardwork size trash bags full of them, just from this one tree. Then, there were stick, and rocks, and little pieces of brick that crumbles off the crappy house, and I had to pick all that up. What is the proper verb form for saying you used a weedeater? I've always wondered that. I usually say "weedeated," and so does my family, but it sounds stupid. Anyway, there's a ton of junk in the yard that has to be weedeated around, so much that it took me probably an hour just to do that. Also, the lawn was so grown up, and slightly wet, that it was really hard to mow, I had to go over everything at least three times to get it to look good. So that's why it took so long, and why I am so sore. Still, the mowing wasn't that bad, I didn't even break a sweat doing that. It's my arms that hurt so bad, from carrying the heavy gas-powered weedeater around for so long, and my back hurts, from bending down for so long picking up those spike things.

I didn't expect it to take me so long to do, I had other stuff I was wanting to do today, but now I'll have to wait until Wednesday for most of it, and so I will be busy all day Wednesday too. I have to do a chapter or two of my business course (I've only got three left), pay a bunch of bills, get a haircut, go shopping, go get my new car tag, and probably something else I'm forgetting.

Mowing the lawn today brought back a lot of memories. Like I said, I used to mow lawns all the time when I was a teenager, and it brought back a lot of memories from then. Also, I enjoyed myself, even though it was hard work. For some reason I've always kind of enjoyed mowing lawns.

I just know I'll regret it tomorrow though. Good thing I've got a big bottle of Advil handy.

Friday, March 25, 2005


I want to start a polka band. We'd do covers of Hoobastank songs, and we'd call ourselves "Tubastank."

This thought just spontaneously entered my brain when I was looking at some maps and saw that there is a city in Arizona called Tuba City. Also, there is a town in New Mexico called Pie Town. I want to live in Pie Town.

And now I just about died laughing, because I saw a town called Shafter, and I instantly said, "Shafter? I hardly know her!"

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Spam-box Weirdness, Part 2

Here are more funny spam e-mail names I have gotten since I posted the others.

Doxologies U. Spumoni
Austrians K. Embalmers
Anchor B. Swordsmen
Potboiler O. Bunkhouse

And, once again saving the best for last:
Sourdough H. Terrify

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

An... interesting sight.

I went outside to check my mail just now, and there were two dogs, chewing on, and fighting over, a used tampon.

I wonder where they got it? Someone was probably throwing bags of trash into the dumpster, and one went on the ground, and they were too lazy to pick it up, and the dogs got into it.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Spam-box weirdness

Is it just me, or are spam e-mails getting weirder and more surreal. Now that most of them fill the body with these weird paragraphs made by what I assume is some kind of random word sentence generator. Sometimes the semi-random words actually make sentences that seem to have some kind of hidden, arcane meaning to them. Not only that, but now it appears that the names of the "people" sending the e-mail are made by the same word generator. But they, even more often than the sentences, seem to fit together in some sort of strangely appropriate manner. Here are some of the funnier names I've gotten in my mailbox over the last week:

Peritoneum I. Islam
Fact D. Hiroshima
Piggy J. Outgrow
Morita K. Humiliation
Parchments G. Lysol
Huddle B. Inmate
And, the best name ever, Mentalities J. Tardily.

I've seen some other really good ones, but I finally deleted them the other day, because I was tired of them sitting in my spam-filter inbox.

Teacher caught on tape pulling chair from under student refusing to stand for national anthem

Link to this story

A student named Jay (who wants his last name to be withheld) at Brick Township High School in New Jersey, had his chair pulled out from under him after he refused to stand for the national anthem. The class started out that morning with Mantel yelling "I don't want to hear a sound! Not a sound! Morning exercises will come on, you will stand, you will stand quietly, you will pay attention! Any Questions!?...Now stand up and keep your mouths shut!" Students stood up as the national anthem began playing.
In the middle of the anthem, Mantel walked over to Jay and demanded that he stand up. Jay silently refused, and Mantel yelled again, "Stand up!". Jay then said "I don't have to stand up". To which Mantel insisted "You have to stand." Jay said "No I don't". Mantel then reached over and pulled Jay's chair out from under him. Jay responded to Stuart Mantel's outrageous behavior by asking Mantel "Are you serious?", to which Mantel yelled "I am damn well serious."
Jay said that he didn't have any political reasons for his refusal to stand but that he wanted to sit because he feels it is his right to do so and that right was being threatened by Mantel. Jay said that he thought Mantel might tell him to stand, but he never expected to be physically forced to do so.
Jay's friend who was in the class at the time, Corey, says that their teacher had been strict in the past in demanding that students stand for the national anthem and pledge of allegiance. That's why they brought in a camera - to expose the teacher in case he did anything again. "The teacher and school principals wanted him (Mantel) to press charges against us...they tried to blame it on us like it was premeditated, like we did it just to get him on tape, which is false. We knew he was gonna go nuts because he frequently used to" said Corey.
Jay's other classmate Steve got suspended for 10 days for filming the incident. The school told Corey that it "violated the teacher's constitutional rights" for them to film the teacher without his permission."I think that its crazy that people are getting in trouble for this or things they say. There have been so many kids video taping and no one ever got in trouble for it. So why now?" Jay asked. It sounds as if the school is punishing this student now because of the nature of what's on the tape, not the fact they were taping the teacher without his permission.
When I asked Corey if Mantel was being punished for pulling out Jay's chair, he said "Nope...I asked (the principal) 'What are you doing to discipline Mantel?' and they said 'we talked'. Teachers do anything they want". Seeing acts like Mantel's go unpunished will likely inspire teachers to continue intimidating their students into standing for the national anthem and pledge of allegiance.

If you would like to let Brick Schools know how you feel about their handling of this situation, you may contact them here:

Brick Township Public Schools
Board of Education
101 Hendrickson Ave
Brick, NJ 08723

Brick Township High School
346 Chambers Bridge Road
Brick, NJ 08723

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Brief History of Rhyme

What the fuck? I just got a "your order has shipped" email from, for the CD I ordered. I had them ship it with standard shipping, which they always say on their site should take between 3 and 5 days. The order shipped out today, (don't ask me how, since this is Sunday, and they are shipping it via USPS), and it says my estimated date of arrival is April 1st! That's a lot more than 3 to 5 days.

I ordered the CD mentioned on this page: MC Hawking's Crib.

I'd never heard of this guy before, but he's been around for a while. He calls himself MC Hawking, after Stephen Hawking, the wheelchair-bound smartest man since Einstein. It's hardcore rap, done in a Stephen Hawking computer voice. Some of the songs are even about advanced scientific ideas. He has a new album out, a greatest hits album entitled, "MC Hawking, A Brief History of Rhyme," which is, of course, named after Hawking's most famous book, "A Brief History of Time." I've always been a huge fan of Stephen Hawking, so this CD is right up my alley. It features such tracks as: The Hawkman Cometh, Big Bizang, Entropy, Fuck the Creationists, All my Shootings be Drivebys, and E=MC Hawking. Stephen Hawking himself has said, "It's very funny. In an odd sort of way, I'm quite flattered."

Ok, enough advertising.

I went to a party at Daniel's house last night. Like usual, hardly anyone showed up. It was just me, Daniel, Olivia, Jarrod, and Murray. Alicia, Shawn, Phillip, Jackie, and maybe even Bill and Michelle were all supposed to be there, but for some reason or another, they didn't. Alicia and Phillip finally showed up, at almost 1:00 a.m. The party was supposed to start around 7:30. I got there about 7:45, and I was the first one there. Maybe half an hour later, Murray showed up. Then, probably about 9:00, Jarrod showed up. Murray left around 11:00 I think, and then I left about 12:15. It was pretty fun, it just would've been better if more people had been there.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Hulk Smash Tiny Penis!

A conversation I just had with Melissa:

subspecies23: Grrr, Hulk Angry! Hulk angry because Hulk ass smell so bad!
missy_custer: ewwww smelly green bootay
subspecies23: Hulk smash ass smell!!
missy_custer: lmao
missy_custer: ohhhh, I rented "The Incredibles" it was SO COOL
subspecies23: Hulk penis stink!
subspecies23: eww, lol
missy_custer: ewwwwwwww
subspecies23: really, I haven't seen that.
missy_custer: It's so great!!
missy_custer: I think you'd like it
subspecies23: "The Ring 2" came out today, I want to see it.
missy_custer: oooh
missy_custer: Ringu around your anus!
subspecies23: lol
missy_custer: Hulk smash anus ring!
subspecies23: lol
subspecies23: Hulk need cock ring!
missy_custer: ew!
missy_custer: big splintery one
subspecies23: he could use a tire, lol
missy_custer: LMFAO
subspecies23: Hulk use giant penis as club!
missy_custer: I just thought of that Michelin tires
missy_custer: lmao
missy_custer: "I clubbeth you over head! RARGH! Mine eyes get red! Big bulgey green penis veins!"
subspecies23: actually, it would seem that not everything grows when he turns into the hulk, lol. Daniel let me borrow some comic books of his the other day, and the Hulk is in there, and there are times when there's just a little scrap of pants over the crotch area, and there's no bulge or anything, lol
subspecies23: Maybe that's why he's so angry, lol
subspecies23: Hulk smash tiny penis!
subspecies23: Hulk embarrassed to shower at the gym!
missy_custer: lmao
subspecies23: lmfao
missy_custer: Hulk have shorty penis!
subspecies23: lol
missy_custer: "Green woman no want me!"
missy_custer: "Swamp Thing gets all the chicks!"

A few minutes later...

missy_custer: i'll have to wait, my dad's gonna be here in a minute lalala
missy_custer: he's gonna give me a padlock and a key for my new storage I'll be using
subspecies23: to keep the dead bodies in!
subspecies23: lol
missy_custer: roflmao
missy_custer: It might fit 2 short people.
subspecies23: or one person, cut in half!
missy_custer: roflmao

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Fuck off and die.

Happy fucking St. Patrick's Day. I wish everyone would just die already.

On a related note, I'm getting really tired of being treated like a piece of shit by all the people I thought were my friends.

No, I'm not drunk. Not yet anyways. But I have a big bottle of rum sitting here at the ready.

Now if only I had a bottle of sleeping pills to go with it.

Monday, March 14, 2005


I need to make a name for the drink I just made. Actually, I'm sure it probably already exists somewhere, pretty much any alcoholic drink you can think of has been done already.

Anyway, I just mixed this simple drink, and it's really good. Normally, I find any alcoholic drink to be nasty as hell, but I like this one. Here is the (simple) recipe:

1 oz. Rum. I used Bacardi Gold.
6 oz. of Fruit Punch Kool-Aid
A large squirt of lime juice. I used that lime juice thing you buy, but a fresh lime would be better.

Pi Day

Happy Pi Day!

Don't know what Pi Day is? Look at the calendar, what's the date? March 14. Which, of course, can be called 3/14. Pi = 3.14. So, obviously, this is Pi Day.

Funny as hell.

I would've just posted the image right here in the post, but it's too wide for the column, so just click this link and look at this comic. It's the funniest thing I've seen all week. I laughed until it hurt.

Pickup Line #17



Sunday, March 13, 2005

Flash / Monkey

Flash / Monkey

This is hilarious. The perils of drinking.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

No Title

Q: What animal would you be if you could be an animal?

A: You already are an animal.

Friday, March 04, 2005


In a forum I was reading just now, someone just said:

I love Dragon Ball Z, and my years of watching it has taught me one thing that guides me through my life.

That thing is this:

No matter how impossible the task, how invincible the foe, you can do anything you can set your mind to... but only if you scream for twenty minutes first.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

BaconWhores - The Way Bacon Was Meant to be Served

BaconWhores - The Way Bacon Was Meant to be Served

Ummmm... This is hilarious, and, at first, I assumed it was a joke. But, upon closer examination, I'm pretty sure it's real. Check out the various links at the bottom, it's got places where you can sign up and put yourself on the waiting list, and it's got a price list, and it even has a page of information for potential investors who want to invest in the company. Sadly, it says the service is not available in my area yet. Melissa put in her zip code, and it says that due to overwhelming demand in that area, they cannot take any new orders for at least two weeks.

SAVE Fluffy!

SAVE Fluffy!

I swear to God that I will eat this sweet bunny on New Year’s Eve if by the, 31st of December, 2005, my bank account does not show at least $1,000,000.00