More About Last Night
Inside Jokes from last night:
- "In the Air Tonight," by Phil Collins
- One Dollar
And countless others I can't remember right now.
Oh and also, I love "fall back." I love gaining an hour.
"Like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, and don't take crap from anybody."
Inside Jokes from last night:
Last night was the most fun I've had in ages.
Michael: Hey kids! It's Halloween... in my pants! Now who wants a treat?!
Man Living in Cave on Los Alamos Lab Land - EarthLink - Strange News
So last night was Halloween here in Purcell. I'm disappointed. I went out and spent $5 on candy, $5 dollars that I could barely afford to spend, and only had like 7 trick or treaters all night. I went to a lot of trouble too. I put on this really spooky music, by Midnight Syndicate, and lit a bunch of candles and incense, to create a spooky mood when I opened the door. All this trouble, and I hardly got a single kid. I didn't expect many, being at an apartment complex, but I expected more than that. It was a perfect night for Trick or Treating, even if it wasn't the real Halloween. The clouds that have been darkening the sky the last few days parted just long enough for there to be a large, red moon during the festivities. It was really cool.
Washington Dog Phones 911 for Fallen Owner - EarthLink - Strange News
'Witch' Pardons Come Centuries Too Late - EarthLink - Strange News
Gizmodo : Circuits Discover... Each Other
A funny story from Mike at Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before
This thing mysteriously appeared around the corner from my abode yesterday. I was walking home, when all of the sudden, I notice this gigantic dumpster with a lot of garbage in it, and more importantly, lots of garbage on the outside of it.
While that isn't the most unheard of thing, what was quite interesting was the number of children that were climbing in it, around it, and rummaging through it, apparently searching for hidden treasure. I don't know who dumped this thing here, but it almost looked like a dollar store had dumped its contents in it. There were plenty of unopened packages. Shitty shit, but still free shit that is new. I imagine these kids' parents requested that the kids go "find mommy up some new shoes."
Anyway, later on last night, I went to get something to eat, and on my way back, there was this little white kid looking through stuff that had been on the sidewalk. He was young, couldn't have been more than eight. He picked up a flat, rectangular box. Then, as he stared at his new find, to my shock and awe, I heard him say, "Bitch, you gotta be fucking kidding me!" Then he turned his head upward to where he must have lived, and yelled, "Mommy! I found Christmas lights!"
I would love to be in that kid's living room come Christmas. "Motherfucker! A PlayStation! Oh shit, nigga! It's a PS2! Next time I see Santa, I'ma suck that bitch's dick!"
God bless us everyone.
McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Some Lists, Grouped Together.
INAPPROPRIATE "DO IT" SLOGANS.
By Jeremy Martin
Cardiologists do it 'til your heart stops.
Poison Control Hotline operators do it 'til you puke.
Catholic priests do it 'til you hit puberty.
Vice presidents do it from an undisclosed location.
Trekkies do it 'til their mom comes home.
Donkey anesthesiologists do it 'til your ass falls asleep.
McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Grimace Speaks to a Geneticist.
to a Geneticist.
BY DAVID NG
- - - -
GRIMACE: What am I?
GENETICIST: That is a very interesting question indeed. And we should begin by briefly discussing your known history. According to your records, you were born as "Evil Grimace," with four deft arms, and a penchant for amusing yourself by stealing milkshakes from small children. Then, in 1974, you experienced a change of heart, a loss of two arms, and a metamorphosis into what is your current incarnation—a supposedly warm, gentle, and seemingly living representation of the "embodiment of childhood."
GRIMACE: Is that why I have only one orifice?
GENETICIST: Perhaps so, as childhood is a period marked by the most basic of bodily functions. In truth, it is that kind of interesting nuance that makes me suspect your being a genetically modified organism. Furthermore, the timing of your appearance coincides perfectly with a social phenomenon during the '70s. A time when discussing human cloning was culturally fashionable, when books like The Boys From Brazil and In His Image appeared on bestseller lists.
Also, you are purple like a giant areola.
GRIMACE: How can I find out more?
GENETICIST: A promising course of action is to try genetic counseling. Which, in the conventional sense, suggests that we investigate your network, both in family and in friendship. This is to help construct a more complete picture of your being and, more importantly, your past. From this, we will have a firm starting point from which to build.
GRIMACE: But I have no family, no real friends, and Ronald, frankly, scares me. What other alternatives do I have?
GENETICIST: Ronald scares us, too, but that is for another interview. Under those restrictive circumstances, one possible alternative is to contact nonacquaintances with similar traits. Perhaps someone like Barney the Dinosaur, who is also big, purple, and waves a lot like an idiot. Similarly, we could simply forge ahead and arrange for a genetic test. This is a process that will allow us to peer at your very own genetic code, and is something that will surely resolve the mystery that surrounds you.
GRIMACE: Like why I am so popular with the ladies?
GENETICIST: Yes, exactly! In some respects, you could be the perfect metaphor for what is both wonderfully right and terribly wrong about genetic manipulation. Due to the marvels of this technology, you appear to have luxury, wealth, fame, as many women as you desire, and yet you have no identity, no origin. If ever there were such a thing, you are an organic black box.
GRIMACE: I think it's because the ladies like my massive tongue.
GENETICIST: Which is magnificent indeed! In fact, seeing it now, I am struck by how similar your appearance is to that of a tongue, a taste bud, to be specific. To entertain this avenue, I ask that you take a moment to study and answer these five carefully designed questions:
(1) Do you find that you sweat profusely such that you are always, to a certain degree, moist?
(2) Do you find yourself a constant victim of paper cuts, specifically when handling your letters of correspondence?
(3) Do you find you enjoy bathing in scented waters but are repelled by thoughts of swimming in the sea, perhaps fearing that the salt will further constrict your already-tender skin?
(4) Do you notice that when you are jumping on a trampoline, the consonant sounds "l," "n," "d," and "t" appear as if by magic?
And (5) Do you, during the winter season, always find yourself inexplicably and inconveniently stuck to cold metal structures?
GRIMACE: Hmmm, maybe the trampoline one, but otherwise, no.
GENETICIST: Ah, well, it was only a hypothesis. It appears that we will order that genetic test after all. But first, I feel compelled to present this stern warning: these tests can be excruciatingly accurate sometimes. You may, quite frankly, be disappointed with the result. You see, I cannot control the outcome of the test. I do not possess that power. I am not God. I am, sadly, only a geneticist.
A week or two ago, I posted a news story about how some towns in the bible belt are celebrating Halloween on Saturday, since it fell on a Sunday, and I mentioned about how they've been doing that here for years. Well, this year it's even worse. This year they are having it on Thrursday, today. All the other towns aroudn us are having it Saturday, but the little town I live in, is having it Thursday. They are doing this mostly because the biggest part of Halloween here is taking the little kids down to main street, where all the stores give out candy. But all the stores are closed, or close really early on Saturday and Sunday, so they are having it on a weekday. And the reason they didn't have it Friday is because that is the night of the big Purcell/Lexington rivalry football game.
I just found a cool blog, it's all jokes, funny quotes, and pictures. The way I found it is they are now linking to me, and were in my referrals page. Funny and Interesting Observations
This site will show some of the horrors of disease and disfigurement associated with toxic breast implants.
Contrary to what the manufacturers and plastic surgeons would have you believe.
Most breast implant victims, were not disfigured by the non-board certified doctors! They were the victims of faulty breast implants! Breast implants have never been proven safe by the FDA, nor the Manufacturers, and this applies to Saline as well as silicone!
These women were considerate enough to allow their pictures to be shown, in hopes that this will alert others, to the dangers of implants, (in spite of the Science Panel's findings) and help to further the truth.
Please note that this is not just a U.S. problem. I am receiving photos, and stories, from all corners of the globe. Switzerland, Austrailia, Canada, South Africa, and much of Europe.
With your help, this message will be heard!
To All Of These Women We Offer Our Thanks.
To those who have died--We offer this site, in their memory--may they rest in peace."
I never talk about sports on here, mostly because I hate sports. I don't like baseball, and I don't give a shit about either the Yankees or the Red Sox, but the last couple of weeks there's been a lot of talk about them, and a lot of rivalry between fans of the two. Even though I don't care, I still found this joke I just saw to be hilarious.
Theft Suspects Went Back to Nab Parrot - EarthLink - Strange News
Americans Getting Taller, Much Heavier - EarthLink - Health & Lifestyle News
If my last post would make anyone feel better about their living space, this post will make women feel better about their looks. It also proves that without makeup and airbrushing, even someone as "perfect" as Britney Spears looks just like the rest of us, maybe even worse. She really does look like crap in these pictures. Is it weird that I think she actually looks sexier like this? Maybe I'm just a fan of the "filthy little crack whore hanging around a truck stop" look.
This is just incredible, and I thought my parent's house was messy. This will make anyone instantly feel better about the condition of their living space, no matter what it looks like. Warning, this page took close to half an hour to fully load on my dial-up computer. It's got lots of pictures.
FBI: Search of Alleged Mob Graveyard Ends - EarthLink - U.S. News
"With every kid that you adopt, you promise to love them and be a good parent and take care of this child. And that's what we did with Kevin." Pat Posey of Maryland who with her husband Joe have "raised" a Cabbage Patch doll as their only son for 19 years. The foot-tall doll, christened Kevin, has his own 1,000 sq ft playroom, a doll-sized Corvette car, a pet dog, a full wardrobe and savings fund for college. The couple prefer him to their real child, an adult daughter named Vicky.And something else weird I just read... 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
So I was sitting around talking to myself in weird voices, making up strange conversations, like I usually do, and came up with this.
Bodies Found in Alabama May Date to 1930s - EarthLink - U.S. News
Stranger Takes Over Ga. Woman's House - EarthLink - Strange News
Teacher Jailed After Brawl With Parent - EarthLink - Strange News
I just had the grossest conversation with Chris. And no, none of the things I say in it are really true. Except for the part about having a hairy back. That's true. Gross, but true.
Ugh, I'm really sick today. I'm really sick everyday, but today I'm the "take some sudafed" kind of sick, not sick in the head sick. It's not just me, half the people at work were sick today. I got to work today, and they'd already sent Murray home just a little while after he got there because he was sick, and Curtis was really sick all day too. My sinuses have been a little stuffy for the last week or so, but just a little. I felt fine when I got up today, but within 15 minutes of getting to work, I suddenly got really, really congested and needing to sneeze all the time. I've been that way all day now. It got a little better for a while this afternoon, but as the night goes by now, I'm getting worse and worse. I'm gonna feel like crap in the morning probably. And I have to work tomorrow, ugh.
Miss America Dropped From ABC - EarthLink - General News
'Mary Poppins' Registers to Vote in Ohio - EarthLink - Strange News
I don't know why I take these quizzes. How accurate can they be when I don't even HAVE a sex life? But, based on the kind of sex I WANT to have, this is very accurate.
This is the most hostile, angry sounding horoscope I've ever seen:
I wanna see some tv show, or movie, or something, where the monster, villian, whatever, says, "I have slept for a thousand years... and, MAN, do I have to PISS!"
I just read this on some website, I've tried it several times, and it's true. Freaky.
Sunday Halloween Irks Some in Bible Belt - EarthLink - U.S. News
Probably not. But I found two strange news stories today that both deal with depressed people starting fires for no good reason at all.
Chapman Wanted to 'Steal' Lennon's Fame
I've had 52 hits today, I think that's a new personal record. I usually get between 30 and 35 a day. Probably half of them today though, were for various phrases involving the death and ashes of Veronica Lake, which was the subject of a news story I posted the other day. Most of the other half of the hits today were for "Jamie Lee Curtis Hermaphrodite." Ever since I posted that the other day, half my hits have come from that search. There's lots of results for that search too. Most of the sites say it's just a Urban Legend. Well, most of them say it's a popular urban legend, but that no one knows for sure whether it's true or not. I also got a couple of hits, maybe from the same person both times, for "Star Wars Porn." Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. I've been playing Fable for about the last three hours. So far it seems very good. I've heard some mixed reviews about it though.
I've been so extremely bored lately. I seriously considered going to bed at 7:00pm the other night. I rented a game and two movies tonight, so that will give me something to do the next few days. Especially the game. They finally had Fable in, I've been wanting to play that, but it was never in. Then I also rented Fahrenheit 9/11 and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I've seen both of them before, but I really liked both of them. I'd like to own both of them, but I can't afford to buy any DVDs right now.
Hooray for the Gummi!:
Meanwhile, I am a presidential debate whore. Loves it. I cannot believe people are going to vote for that hairy ass Bush, can't they see how fucking stupid he is? Really. Mr. President, name three mistakes you have made in office. I thank you for that. My war is great and we brought everyone to justice, this isn't wrong war wrong place wrong time flip flop wearing liberal rhetoric and prefab answers. Want some wood? What a fucking dumbass. What is the matter with this country? Who can be so blind to this moron who has ruined our street cred, killed our children in a war that never should have happened and let the terrorists sneak off to increase their numbers? It makes me mad. Kerry may have a big old head and a strange looking chin but at least he is smart. Orwellian? Fantastic! That should not scare people. But it does because it's not a word most people can read off of the side of a Happy Meal box. I'll tell you why Bushie thinks the air quality is just fine, it's because he had the EPA lower their clean air act standards, fuckwad. He don't know nothing. It's so frustrating, why can't they see Bush doesn't answer the questions and how worked up he gets, all monkey faced and confused? It's because he's looking for his banana as a reward. Put him in a cage and let him play on the tire swing where he belongs. Get out the vote, beetles. If you are undecided, what the hell is wrong with you? Parasites in your brain, most likely. Or crabs in your pubes. Don't make me angry. Ah, too late. Bush is probably a Yankees fan he's so stupid. Asses of evil. Watch the debate tonight and drink everytime he doesn't answer the question posed to him. You will be drunk in the first half hour. Drink for every child left behind. Drink for his so called medicare reform that won't happen until 2006. Drink if you take expensive prescription drugs not bought in Canada. Drink if you think religion is more important than a woman's right to choose. And just to show Im not overly biased, drink everytime Kerry says he has a plan and doesn't tell us what that plan is, but dammit he has a plan. Whatever that may be, and I don't care because he's got one. Unlike capuchin monkey love child who will instill a draft and send your loved ones to slaughter and send all your jobs overseas. Vote motherfuckers, vote. For Kerry! I heart Kerry and his big head.
Another 'Harry Potter' Character to Die
Expert: Online extortion growing more common | CNET News.com
Someone got to my site today by searching for "Strange shape vaginas." my site was ninth on the list.
Last Nights' Vice Presidential Debate according to whoever writes this blog: my left foot
CHENEY: blarghhraumphrabbledabble, fear me fear me.
EDWARDS: no connection y'all between 9-11 and saddam.
CHENEY: you weren't there that day
EDWARDS: i have hair
Comic Rodney Dangerfield Dies at Age 82
Here's a conversation I just had with Melissa.
I am so fucking bored right now.
(x) I have kissed a member of the opposite sex
I was just sitting here, and had an idea I at first though was original, but then I realized that, no, I've seen it someone before. At first I couldn't remember if it was from a book, or movie, or cartoon, or comic book, or what. But now that I've thought of it for a while, I remember it was a cartoon. I can almost see it too, it's right on the tip of my brain, so to speak. Ok, the plot is this. Some villian in the cartoon, who is either microscopic in size, or is able to shrink that way, I don't remember which, starts destroying things, like buildings and landmarks, but the process would work on anything, even people probably. He does this by removing the "key atom," the foundation atom on which the whole structure is built. When this atom is removed, whatever the thing is just disintegrates, it falls apart into its component atoms. So, of course, the hero of the cartoon, who may have been a detective, I don't remember, has to shrink down to a microscopic size to chase him down and stop him. Oh, I just remembered another major portion of the cartoon. The bad guy's name is Quark, because he's, well... a quark, and the hero stops him buy chasing him onto a dictionary page, and points out to Quark, the dictionary definition of quark, which says that a quark is a hypothetical component of an atom, meaning that quarks may or may not even exist. At this, quark dissappears into nothingness because he's little more than an idea.
Wow, I feel absolutely fantastic tonight, and in fact, all day long. It can't be the lexapro already, it must just be a placebo effect or something, but I've been very happy all day, and getting more and more hyper as the day goes on. In fact, I feel so good, it's time for something I haven't done in a long time, but used to do all the time: write a really really long post! Aren't you lucky.
Wis. Town Plans Egg Battle Re-Enactment