Is it bad that my dinner tonight consists of Spaghetti O's with meatballs and Jack Daniels?
In good news, I haven't seen a cockroach in several days.
Huh huh huh, you said "cock."
"Like what you like, enjoy what you enjoy, and don't take crap from anybody."
Is it bad that my dinner tonight consists of Spaghetti O's with meatballs and Jack Daniels?
Annie and her burrito.jpg
I just remembered something else that happened the other night when me and Alicia got drunk. Something really weird. Something that's hard enough to do sober, much less drunk. Ok, so we were sitting there, and I started looking through my deck of Tarot cards, and we start talking about the cards and the pictures on them and stuff like that. Upon coming to the card The High Priestess, I point to the pillars on the cards, and begin to explain as best I can while drunk, "See, the black pillar is marked with a B and the white pillar is marked with a J. This stands Boaz and Jachin. Boaz and Jachin were the names of the pillars on each side of the entrance to the Holy of Holies in the Temple of Solomon. The chamber were the Ark of the Covenant was kept. And, to this day, every Masonic Lodge contains a recreation of these pillars, which stand on each side of the worshipful master." Something along those lines anyway, I was drunk. I began to trail off around that point. This isn't something I made up while drunk, it's all true. I could go on for an hour about this and the other imagery in this single Tarot card, linking it several major religions in the process. I could also go on for hours about the Freemasons, and the Knights Templar, and the things linking all of these things, including Tarot cards, and also the Shroud of Turin.
Something in my bathroom smells delicious.
Mmmm, breakfast is great when it consists of an apple and a strawberry cheescake filled toaster streudel. I love those toaster streudels.
So I'm just sitting right here at my computer desk a few minutes ago, and the apartment is completely quiet, except for the sound of a couple of fans, when suddenly, there's a loud gurgling noise from outside the bedroom door. In a second, a million things run through my head. "Oh fuck! What the fuck is that! It scared the hell out of me! Oh great, something's broken, what is it? What the fuck is that noise! It's water gurgling. Great, so that means something's broken and there's going to be water damage. But you have to figure out what it is first. What the fuck is that? It's water gurgling, coming from either the bathroom, or the hot water heater closet. Great, the water heater is probably spewing boiling hot water all over the inside of the closet, and I'm gonna step out there, and it's gonna blow up and scald me to death. Why is the water in this apartment so hot anyway? Wait, I don't see any water coming from under the closet door, so it's probably not the water heater. What about the bathroom door? Nope, no water there either, but it's a bigger room, the water just may not have reached the door yet. Well then, get off your ass and go find out WHAT THE FUCK THAT NOISE IS!"
Missed Opportunities Day!
Back when you were still a plumber, before you won the lotto, you were fixing the shower head in an apartment shared by two attractive young women.
When you stepped out of the bathroom and said, "Shower's good as new," the two girls jumped out of their chairs and threw off their tops as they ran past you into the bathroom.
Once they were completely naked, they jumped into the shower together and started giggling and hooting under the hot water. One of the girls looked at you and said, "Now that you've proven yourself so handy with the plumbing, let's see how good you are at soaping our backs." The other girl giggled.
Because you'd never soaped someone else's back before, and because you wouldn't have known how to bill for it, you said, "Sorry, I only do the job indicated on the work order." Then you left.
About six years later, you were driving your van down down a suburban street when it occurred to you that those two girls were inviting you to have sex with the two of them at the same time underneath running water. You became so enraged at your own stupidity that you floored it into the thick of a group of pre-teens playing stickball. Twelve were killed.
Because you weren't drinking and because it happened so quickly that there were no witnesses to prove it wasn't an accident, you were charged only with vehicular manslaughter and you are currently serving the second of you four and a half year sentence. When you get out, you'll still have 69 million dollars of your lotto winnings to play with. But every single day you're going to wake up thinking about those twelve kids you ran over, and you're gonna wish you had had the sense to fuck those two chicks in the shower that day.
Happy Missed Opportunities Day!
Woo, hot damn, said the drunkard.
Who will have my lover
When I wax my luscious gorgeous sausage pole
I worship her heaving bosom
Our skin sweats lust
Please deceive me
What lies beneath the petals of the rose in the yonder garden of Spring? Where mist falls from the sky onto the hair of a woman. A Goddess. For she is no mortal, but a shadow, a ghost of fair beauty. The symphony of life in an eternity of death.
Finally, here's some more information on my move...
Wow, I'm proud of myself. I just cooked my first meal. Even back when I was living at Daniels all I really ate was TV dinners and stuff like that. But tonight I cooked a meal that was a little more complicated. It was still pretty easy stuff, but it's still the first time I've ever cooked a meal. I made a box of fishsticks, some instant mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits.
Oh man, I just had to run out of the house and try to save my car from the hail. I was sitting here online, and I heard it start to rain, and then hail. I looked outside and it was about marble sized but getting a little bigger. I don't have a garage here, but there's a church down the street with this big awning for the cars to let people out under, so I was going to park under that. But by the time I got out to my car, not only had it stopped hailing, it had even stopped raining. So I went back inside, but then maybe 15 minutes later, it started hailing again, and it was even bigger this time. So I bolted out of my apartment to my car (and amazingly I didn't get hit by a single piece of hail the entire time) but someone had beaten me to the awning and was already parked under it. But by this time it had almost stopped hailing again, so I just went to my parent's house, since I was barely a block away. It turns out, we got off lucky here in Purcell, the rest of the state has been having a hell of a time. I still don't have TV here, so I hadn't heard anything, but at my parent's, that's all the TV stations are talking about, is the terrible hailstorms we've been having today. All around us, and just up the highway in Oklahoma City. The hailstorm killed almost every duck and goose up at Lake Hefner in OKC, and did about $60,000 in damage to the OKC Botanical Gardens and the hail was so sudden and deep that firemen were having to dig people's cars out of it on the highway. Also there was a bunch of tornados right over Purcell and Lexington (the town just like a mile down the road), but they were just rotating up in the clouds, none of them were touching down or anything. The storms are supposed to be over now though, they are moving east and have all gone over us now.
Is there something wrong with me? When I go to the video store I want a nice movie with a hamster in it. A funny hamster. A cute hamster. A sassy hamster. There are no new releases starring hamsters. What the fuck, you fucks? Get me some hamsters, stat! Do I have to make my own movie? I will, you know. I would do a hamster rendition of a classic movie, so that way I wouldn't have to think too much, just train the critters and do wardrobe. Maybe Casablanca or something more upbeat like Fame. Ooh Flashdance! I could get Jennifer Beals to come on for a cameo because she's a sister and on that incredibly lame lesbian show The L Word. What is up with that show? The wife just got the premium cable package so we have taped the last two episodes, since it's after our bedtimes, and we are dumbstruck. Did that Jennifer just have an orgasm pressing her face against the filthy wall of the prison? From nothing but mere suggestion? What the hell is that? And where can I get some? At least it has that Yoplait elf on it that says "soooo" all the time. Or maybe I could do East of Eden with my hamsters, get a little Ferris Wheel and plop them down and make on all James Dean-like. Big fight scene with his brother, so cool. Hamsters, people, we need more hamsters. And not just that smart mouthed bitch one on Dr. Doolittle. And I don't want any of this Stuart Little shit, take your computer animation and shove it up your gooey ass. ...
Happy Boston Marathon day, by the by. Im trapped on this side of the race. That means I can't get home without being all sneaky about it. Hmm. I need to plan. And those poor bastards, it's actually hot outside. It snowed last week and suddenly it's 85. Yup. Everything bloomed yesterday in one mad rush of flowering excitement. Where's my hovercraft powered by hamsters? Talented hamsters? I need to somehow leap my car over the stragglers sweating into smelly pools on the asphalt this afternoon. My life is so hard.
I haven't written or even been online much in several days, but I have a good reason. A really good reason. I got the apartment! Yeah! So I've got my own place now. Finally! I'm not living there yet, but I should be by the weekend. Weekend? PARTY! No, but anyway, I haven't moved in yet because, while the place isn't a dump, (it's actually pretty nice) it does need some cleaning, especially the kitchen. So we've spent the last few days cleaning it up, and we're almost done, all that's left is the kitchen. The kitchen will probably take two days though, everything in it need some major cleaning, and we're going to put contact paper on all the surfaces on the insides of the cabinets. We could have gotten nearly everything done today, but instead we didn't get anything done, because we spent the entire day looking for furniture. I got some, they're supposed to deliver it Thursday, and tomorrow the guy is supposed to come and turn my phone on. Of course, the phone company wasn't able to give us even an estimate on when the guy would be here, just that it would be sometime tomorrow, and that someone would have to be there when he got there. So my mom is going to have to go over there after she takes my sister to school, and sit over there all day waiting for the guy to come, since I work until 4:00 tomorrow. On the good side though, that means she'll get a lot of cleaning done tomorrow, and by the time I get home from work, she'll probably have most of it done, so maybe we can get it all done tomorrow. Then I can start moving in on Thursday maybe. I hope so.
Me and Chris were looking at tattoo designs on TattooFinder.com, and had this conversation, oh, and Kanji are what the Japanese and Chinese writing symbols are called.
I'm in a pretty good mood, today's been a pretty good day. I was planning on going to the Army Surplus store in Norman just to look around mainly, but I ended up not going there. Melissa was drinking something from Starbucks earlier, and it sounded good, I haven't had a cappucino or anything in a long time. It's kinda hard to believe, considering how common Starbucks are everywhere else, but there's hardly any coffee shops around here. There's nowhere here in Purcell that sells anything like that, and the only Starbucks I know of are the ones inside Barnes and Noble Bookstores. There's also a cafe in Borders bookstore, and the Panera Bread sells cappucinos and espressos. Anyway, I wanted a cappucino, so I decided to go to the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble. During the drive to Norman I also did something I don't do very often, I smoked a Black and Mild cigar thing. I don't normally smoke, and I don't like cigarettes, but I do occasionally like to smoke cigars. So I got to the bookstore, and got my cappucino, and browsed around the bookstore for an hour or so. It was pretty cool, because I could really tell my medication was working today, I wasn't anxious or shy or anything walking around the bookstore. I think I could have actually even talked to a girl if I had had the chance. At the bookstore I bought The Metamorphosis, and Other Stories of Franz Kafka, I've always wanted to read The Metamorphosis. I also bought A Field Guide to the Urban Hipster by Josh Aiello (why does that name sound familiar?), a very funny book which calls itself "A comprehensive guide to identifying more than 35 species of urban hipsters," such as Goths, Metal Heads, Thugz, Rude Boys, Literati, Starving Artists, Punk Rockers, Straight Edge, Ex-Frats, Alpha Females, EuroTrash, Hippies, Models, Bike Messengers, Mods, Indie Rockers, Internet Geeks and The Lifer. I also bought Scrabble. I've wanted it for years, but I hate playing board games so I never bought it, I'd never even played it before. Me and my sister played it earlier and she beat me by about 30 points. I think the score was 191 to 228. I kept getting really bad hands, mostly consisting of six vowels. Things like AIOAIEQ.
Ok, time to finish what I was trying to write last night.
From this point on I shall be referred to as "Trick Magnet Kevin Valentine." Or, if you're in a hurry, "Professor Truth" will work.
Guitar Virtuoso Performs Super Mario Brothers Theme
Stupid People Do Stupid Things
Jamming a Pair of Scissors Repeatedly Into Your Crotch
Woman paid for a car with breast milk
The Sound of Eating
The weirdest car commercial I've ever seen.
Goddamn we're weird. Here's an excerpt from a conversation me and Melissa were just having: