Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.: Closure.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Closure.

I had a really weird dream Sunday night. It was about Kristina, the girl I dated for a short time almost three years ago. First, in order to understand the dream, a little bit of backstory is needed. I will tell more than is needed though, because I've never really talked about her on here much.

A few years ago, it will be three years sometime in March, I think, I went to visit Chris at the Naval base he was stationed at in Nevada. Yes, a naval base in the middle of the desert. Don't ask why, or you might get a visit from your friendly neighborhood Men In Black. And I'm not talking about the good kind, like portrayed in the movie of that name. Anyway, I went to spend a week or so with him, and his wife at the time, Carrie. (That's right isn't it? I'm so bad at names, I often wonder if I'm getting people's names wrong, even if I've known them for a long time, it's just a phobia I have.) I was going to take the Greyhound bus, and also, one of Carrie's friends were going also, this was Kristina. Kristina wanted me to buy her ticket for her, while I was buying mine, because I think there was a sale or something of some kind, and she would pay me back when we met on the bus ride. I'd never really met her before, I'd just kinda seen her around once or twice. I went to get my ticket, and buy one for her as well, but they informed me that you aren't allowed to buy tickets for other people, unless they're your spouse, or immediate family. So the ticket guy had the idea of putting her name on the ticket as "Kristina Underwood," and we could pretend we were married, and that way I could buy the ticket. Not knowing what else to do, I agreed, even though it was embarrassing. We had a good laugh about it when the time came for the bus ride. It was a little awkward at first, especially with my shyness... being forced into traveling with some girl I didn't know, but over the course of the very long (overnight and everything) bus trip, I kinda started to like her, especially when she rested her head on my shoulder and went to sleep. I love it when girls rest their head on my shoulder, though it's only happened a few times.

Fuck, not to sound melodramatic or anything, but I'm gonna need a drink if I'm going to go on with this. I was already feeling depressed today anyway, and this isn't helping...

I just did a shot of vodka. And I never do shots.

So anyway, after the bus trip, came about two weeks of living together with her. Granted she wasn't there a lot of the time, because her and Carrie were out doing stuff a lot of the time, but still. We were sleeping on the floor just a few feet from each other a lot of the time, and being in close quarters like that, I started to really like her. Of course, I'm such a lonely desperate person, I fall in love with any girl that shows me the slightest bit of attention whatsoever. I can barely go through a checkout at the store if there's a girl working the register without developing a crush on her, for at least an hour or so anyway. It passes quickly too. When feelings of love come so easily, it's easy to reassign them to another target, or to forget them completely. There's only ever been one girl that I can't make myself stop loving, no matter what I do. And no, it's not Kristina.

So, towards the end of our visit, Chris asked me if I liked Kristina, because him and Carrie thought maybe I did. I told him I did, and so then this whole thing of messages being passed between me and Kristina through Chris and Carrie started happening, because I'm too shy. So, in the end, I was told that yes, Kristina wanted to go out with me, though I had to ask her myself or she wouldn't. I finally on about the last day of our time together, in fact, it was during the drive back (Chris and Carrie were coming back to Oklahoma too, so we were all driving back together in their vehicles). So we went out like a total of four times, once or twice it was a double date thing with Chris and Carrie. It was the second date before I even touched Kristina, I learned from Carrie that Kristina was starting to get annoyed and wondering what was going on, why I never held her hand or did anything. For example, our first date was dinner at Olive Garden, and a movie. The movie was "Forty Days and Forty Nights," a movie about sex, and the whole date, I never tried to put the moves on her or anything, never even tried to hold her hand, or put my arm around her or anything. Now that I know more about Kristina, I realize that she was the kind of girl who would've probably gone down on me right there in the theater. Not that I'd ever do that. Our second date was the double date with Chris and Carrie. The girls made us go to some country-western club. They had to lie to me to get me to go. If I'd known it was country, I would've refused. Luckily, they didn't make us dance. We played pool mostly. It was a pretty long drive to get there, and on the drive there, after 30 minutes of sweating it, I finally got up the nerve to reach over and hold her hand. I was so nervous I almost threw up. Yes, I am that pathetic. What's even more pathetic is that I was 22 at this time, and it was the first time I'd ever held a girl's hand. Then, when we were at the club, we sat there, and I sat behind her, and I put my arms around her, and we sat there like that for a while. Finally, I kissed her on the back of her neck. Then at the end of the date she gave me a kiss, on the cheek. I found out a few days later though, from Chris and Carrie, that she was mad, because she hadn't wanted to kiss me on the cheek, she wanted to kiss me on the mouth, but apparently I turned my head slightly, because I assumed she was going to kiss me on the cheek.

The next two dates. The last two dates. We ended up at the lake, having sex in the back seat of my car. I don't know what happened then. After the fourth date, she just stopped taking my calls. The girl she lived with would answer the phone, and say that Kristina wasn't there, and that she'd call me back. But she never did. This went on for close to a month before I finally took the hint and stopped calling. At the end of the fourth date she told me that she wasn't looking for a relationship or anything, she just wanted someone to have sex with once every week or two. I told her a was fine with that, though I really wasn't. But I never saw her again. I assume that was the reason, she thought I was falling in love with her or something, and didn't want that. I must say, in order to help stoke my frail ego, that I don't think it had anything to do with the sex being bad or anything. In fact, both times we had sex, she kept saying that I was really good, she couldn't believe I'd never had sex before. In fact, she even told other people that I was really good. I heard this from Chris' MOM. Kristina was friends with his mom, and one day I was over there, and Chris' mom, in front of everyone, said "So, Kristina told us something about you." And Chris, joking says, "What, that he's good in bed?" and starts laughing, and his mom was like "Actually, yes, she said she couldn't believe he'd never had sex before." It was very embarrassing.

So, from this point I never heard from her again. I never knew what happened, or why she stopped taking my calls. And too this day I still have no idea. I've never even seen her around town or anything. I've only seen her once since that last date. A few months later I was over at Chris' mom's house again, visiting him and Carrie because he was home on leave again, and Carrie came in with Kristina. Luckily, they went back into another room together to talk or something. So I didn't have to decide what to do or say. We both just acted like the other wasn't there the whole time.

Oh, also, not too long after that last time I saw Kristina, Carrie and Chris got divorced. It turns out she'd been cheating on him, a lot. She'd been going out partying and stuff and cheating on him.

Ok, so finally, the dream. In a way, the dream provided the closure I never got in real life. Sadly, I don't remember most of the dream, I mainly just remember the very end. I know this makes it annoying to have to hear about, but I don't care. So in the dream, me and Kristina were having to be around each other for some reason, working together, or something. And so we were talking to each other again. Not really being really friendly or anything, but talking and stuff. Then I went home, and I was sending her some IMs for some reason, mostly just links to stuff I thought she'd think was funny. Then I had to go back to where she was to get something from her. And so I got whatever it was, I think it was a book, and then we just kinda stood there in awkward silence for a while. Then this conversation took place:

Her: So what's going on here?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Like these IM's and stuff.
Me: What, they're just things I thought you would think were funny!
Her: Why won't you just admit you still love me!
Me: Because I don't love you! Because you never loved me!
Her: (kinda hangs her head) That's true. I'm sorry.

And, unfortunately, my alarm went off right there, and woke me up. I wish I could've seen what would happen next.

And now, an hour, and two drinks later, this huge post is done.