Ok, so, yeah, Panzer Dragoon Orta is pretty damn cool. The bad thing is, I just bought it yesterday, and I'm already to the last boss. I'm having a hard time beating it though. It's beat me a couple of times. I'm really bad when it comes to being beaten bya video game, I don't like it, it pisses me off. Of course, no one likes it, but I'm even worse. Most people expect to be beaten by a video game, and they take it as a challenge, a sign they need to work harder. If the game was easy, no one would play it. I however don't like being beaten at all. If I get beaten, I get mad, and sometimes never play the game again. I've hardly ever beaten a video game in my life, a lot of the time I'll get to the last boss, get beaten, and never play again. I need to stop doing that. I need to build my video game skills again. I used to be a video game master when I was a kid, but once I got into my late teens, I stopped playing as much, and most of the games I have played in recent years are all RPGs. RPGs don't take much skill. They don't need speed, and hand-eye-coordination, they require brains, strategy, knowing what weapon/attack/spell to use in a certain situation. As such, my game skills have fallen to an embarassing level. I have to play all my video games on easy, and then I still can't beat them. I have P.D.O. set on easy right now, after I beat it on easy, I will put it up on normal, and try to beat it again
I really like video-games. I wish I was one of those video game/computer game junkies, that overclock their processors to acheive greater performance, and obsessively waited for new "next big thing" games to come out, and wait in lines over night to get their hands on a copy of "Never Winter Nights," stuff like that. I wish I was like that, but I'm not, I just don't seem to have the time to play video games anymore, I haven't for years. I don't play many video games anymore, and about the only computer games I've ever really played are "Doom", and "The Sims." I spend too much time on the internet. And I don't even really do that much on the internet. For example, tonight I've been sitting at this computer for about 5 hours now, and I haven't done a damn thing. I've basically just been staring at the screen, and occasionally reading a few Megatokyo comics. I don't even know why I've been doing that, I finished all the Megatokyo comics a couple of days ago. But now I've started over, and am reading them again. And in spite of all the time I spend on computers, and the internet, I don't know much about them anymore either.
I used to be a computer whiz. I took a two year vo-tech course in Computer Electronics and Computer Repair. If handed a mother board, and disk drives, all the component parts like that, I could build a computer. I was a master at DOS. I went to college originally wanting to be a computer programmer, I took a couple of courses, I learned to program in QBasic pretty good, and knew a little C++, and I knew HTML very well. But then I dropped out of college and lost interest in computers for a few years, and now my skills have all dissappeared. Even if I still knew it all it is outdated and no longer worth anything. DOS no longer exists, QBasic no longer exists. The computer technology is so far advanced from where I used to be, I can't even understand what it's talking about when I read a Best Buy computer ad. The computers I learned on in my vo-tech course were old. Some of them didn't even have hard drives. They only had a couple of disk drives, or if they did have a hard drive, it was only like 25 megabytes. The computer I owned at home at that time was the best one you could get. It had a 75Mhz Pentium processor with 4 megabytes of RAM and a 300 megabyte hard drive, and a 2400 baud rate modem. Nowadays, it's hard to believe computers like that even existed at one time.
When I was a kid, I used to be able to draw. Very well, and I never had any lessons, or took art class or anything. But then, when I got older, that skill left me too. Now I can barely draw stick figures. I finally took art in High School and failed it. That's the only class I ever failed until I went to college, and the only reason I failed college classes was because I always stopped going to them, and eventually dropped out.
When I was a kid, I used to be smart. As little as five years ago, I used to have a huge vocabulary. Now my vocabulary has deteriorated to point that I can barely express myself. It's embarrassing.
When I was a kid, I used to be able to do lots of things.
So, my skills in every area are gone or failing. And that, I think, is the best explanation for why I am the way I am. Why I live this pathetic life. I have no skills of any kind. I have become a useless lump of flesh, not capable of contributing anything to society.
It's a horrible feeling really. My life is slowly dissappearing. I have trouble even remembering anything from more than five years ago. And everything since then isn't worth remembering. It's just the same thing day after day, one day blurring into the other. Wake up, go to work, watch tv, surf the internet, go to sleep. Repeat. It may sound like a joke, or a cliche to say this, but, I think Carl's Jr. really did have something to do with it. It wasn't until I started working there that things really started to go bad. I still had a huge vocabulary, and some skills, when I started working there. But that place broke my spirit in the worst way.
Ok, so, yeah, my life sucks. But I'm trying to change that. I'm finally moving out of my parent's house, and I'm going to find a better job, and I mean it this time. I've been saying that for 4 years, but all I ever do is fill out a couple of applications, and complain when they don't call me. I'm also going to work on becoming a computer and video game geek again. Most people probably wouldn't consider that last one a life improvement, but I do. That's the kind of life I want to live.
Ok, I've been sitting here too long. This blog is another thing that is sucking vast amounts of my life away. I spend way too much time on this thing, or thinking about what I'm going to write tomorrow, stuff like that. It would be different if it was actually entertaining or useful, of if anyone even read it. But it's not. It sucks, and almost no one reads it.
I'm going to go do something else now. I may write again tomorrow. Maybe not. Maybe I'll quit this thing. Maybe no one cares.