Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Ummmm... OK. This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read, and I've read some pretty weird things. From die puny humans:

She used to have eyes I could lose myself in, and then she had them replaced with laser pointers. Little red dots jumping up and down on the bedroom wall as I took her from behind. I could live with that until she had the animal voice import. The cheetah purring was okay, but the dingo noises just killed the mood. The combination of the red eyes and the gorilla sounds when she jerked off was horrible. A few weeks later, things were moving down there that shouldn't have. Don't be scared, she said, as stuff pumped like organ stops under her skin. Something extended itself and waved at me.

I threw up between her legs and she didn't talk to me for a week. Which I suppose you can't really blame her for, but still.

I knew it was over when she cut her legs off.

Had them hacked off at the knee and came home with a suitcase full of modular replacements. The stumps had little Firewire ports that plugged into the new lower leg units. She fitted what she called her Sex Legs and flexed artificial toes, feet fixed in a perfect arch to accommodate the welded-on six-inch heels. Apparently there were Segway gyroscopes in the calves to keep her upright when she walked.

I came home one night to find her in a red latex minidress and sixteen legs. Spider things were sprouted from her knees, eight legs each. She paraded on the plastic kitchen floor for me, swinging her hips. Clackclackclackclack on the floor. Clackclackclackclack.

She stuck her tongue out at me when I started retching. There was what looked like a DC power inlet on the tip.

After that, it just got ugly. I had to go. I saw her again a couple of weeks ago. She introduced her new boyfriend as Spin. His skin was cold and shiny, like white plastic coating over steel. He had a revolving drum in his stomach. She leant against him and grinned.

I'm living in my car now. My car loves me. I mean, it wouldn't have grown a real vagina for me otherwise, would it?

Some links:

Awful Plastic Surgery Pictures of celebrities who have had lots of really bad plastic surgery.

A five-year-old Territory girl shocked teachers when she showed her class how to make a bong out of a Coke bottle during a "show and tell" session.

Die Screaming with Sharp Things in Your Head I hate lawn gnomes.

This is pretty weird too: BBC News -- Car Stunt Shocks Newlyweds

Trouser Semaphore Now you too can use this revolutionary new form of communication. Be sure to check out the video of trouser semaphore in action.

The Bra Ball, and, in related news... Bay area artists battle over giant bra balls.

Kid's Pimp Costume This is just horrible. A kid that age shouldn't even know what a pimp is.

The David Blaine Assassination Game You really must keep playing until you win, the movie at the end when you when is hilarious.

Cars in South Africa are being equipped with a new form of theft-deterrent... Flame Throwers.

Bus Rollover Closes Part of I-94 I told my mom about this, and we both laughed our asses off. My mom said, "I guess God didn't like their singing."

I could post more, but that's it for tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning. I leave you with another quote:

"Meanwhile, in the dark, impenetrable void, Jean Paul Sartre was a movin and a groovin" -- Crow, Catalina Caper, MST3K