Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Woo hoo, "Ex-Porn Star Traci Lords" is on Larry King Live. This is the only time I've ever watched Larry King. I don't know why I care so much though, I've never seen her before. I've always heard of her, but I've never seen anything with her in it, no movies or centerfolds or anything. Huh, I didn't know Traci Lords made music too.

On an unrelated note, on some commercial just now they were advertising some store anniversary sale and leather coats and stuff are on sale, and they said, "Some anniversaries you celebrate with silver or gold, this one you celebrate with leather." Is it just me, or does that sound dirty? Sounds like a couple of people having some kind of kinky S&M anniversary night.

Alicia gave me a picture she drew today. It's a picture of Satan! It's like Centaur-Satan though. It's cool. There's something wrong with his nose though. At least, I think that's his nose.

Yay! I wrote a story at work tonight. It's weird. The sad thing is, this is about the extent of my writing ability the last few years. All I can write is little weird things like this, I can't write anything normal or serious, my mind just goes blank if I try. Well, here it is:

"Beware of Chihuahua," the sign said, but I didn't believe it. I laughed, I thought it was a joke. But I didn't laugh for long. For as soon as I stepped into the yard, it attacked. It moved so fast, all I saw was a small, tan blur, and then I saw crimson, as blood spurted from the area where my neck had been only a second before. I fell to the ground, and the last thing I saw, as my vision faded, was the dog's collar, and the tag hanging from it, inches away from my face. It said, "Cuddles."

There, thats it, not much of a story, but it's actually pretty good, at least I think so. Awhile back, my aunt, who's a psychiatrist, even though she's kinda crazy herself, pointed out that everything I write is about death. She's right. I don't really know why, but that's the only thing I know how to write about. I think it's funny.

It was pointed out to me yesterday that I bitch too much. I was told this by several people (not just you Alicia). I already knew this, and I've been told that many time. My dad gripes about it almost every night at dinner. I know I complain too much, and I try to control it, but I don't do that good of a job at it. I do control myself a little, I could be much worse. Much worse. One part of it is, I just don't see why I should have to control it. If something sucks, why can't I say so? I know I shouldn't criticize something in front of the person responsible for that thing, and I usually don't do that. But like last night I complained about a webpage being full of typos, so bad that it was hard to read, and Alicia said "Bitch, bitch, bitch, that's all you ever do." Kristina, the girl I went out with a few times last year, had a real problem with my complaining. That's probably part of the reason she stopped going out with me. To this day I still don't know the reason why she stopped going out with me, she wouldn't even return my calls. But anyway, she had a real problem with my complaining, I tried to control it, but that made it worse, because then I basically said nothing all night. They say "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." If I did that I'd never talk again. I can't help it. I've been trying to work on this problem for the last year or so, but I haven't gotten much better. You've probably noticed so yourself, most of my posts are all about how much work sucked, and how annoying the people at work were, and my back hurts from work, and I hate this person, I hate this show, I hate everyone. I have a problem, I don't know if there's a name for it, I'm sure there is, but I don't know what it is. I am really uncomfortable talking about my emotions. Not all of them, just the positive ones. I have no problem pointing out something I don't like, but it is almost impossible to say that I like someone or something. Even when I do compliment something, there's always a negative in there too. Especially with food. It's always something like, "Well, this is good, but it could have been cooked longer," or, "The potatoes are lumpy, but they're still pretty good." Things like that. I really have a problem saying that I like people. I don't just mean as in I really like someone, like I love them or something, I can't say that I feel anyway about them at all, other than hate. All I can say is that I hate someone. The closest thing to a compliment from me is, "I don't hate you, at least not yet, anyway." I have to really like someone, and be really comfortable with them before I can express any kind of fondness whatsoever.

Basically, it's just damn near impossible for me to say anything positive. I don't mean to offend you, or piss you off. That's just the way I am. I'm trying, so please just forgive me, and bear with me.


Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Cry, and the world laughs louder