Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Monday, June 30, 2003

I went through some boxes of stuff today, and found a lot of things I haven't seen in years. For one, I found my copies of Chris' weird stories he wrote in high school. I've mentioned these stories before, a long time ago, but did not have any copies. They are very weird stories, usually involving an extremely stupid guy named Bubba, whose catch phrase is "why for you do dat?" They also often featured an acquaintance of Bubba's; Tofu, the three ton midget. He wrote other Bubba stories, but this is the only one I have a copy of:

Once upon a time there was a man by the name of Bubba. Now you have to understand that Bubba wasn't very bright. In fact, he was downright stupid. While walking down the road his buddy Tofu (who was a 3 ton MIDGET) came up to him and asked him to give him all his Ho-Hos.

"Okay," Bubba said.

Now you need to understand that these Ho-Hos were for Bubba's momma, who was the size of a small house. When he got home she was as mad as a raging sloth.

"Bubba, why did you do that?" she asked.
"Because he asked me for them," he answered.
"Boy, you have to be the stupidest person alive," she stated as she sat on him.
"Why for you do dat?" Bubba asked.
"Because I felt like it."

Later, when Bubba finally crawled forth from the caverns.

"Boy, that stinks!" Bubba exclaimed.
"Hey Bubba," said Tofu.
"You wanna go fight someone?"
"Well, go get your gun."

As they were walking down the street, they came upon some gang members.

"Hey, Bubba," said Tofu.
"Go gettum, and I'll stay right here and watch."
"Okay, Tofu."

In a matter of minutes Bubba was in the middle of the battle with Tofu cheering the gang members on. First they hit Bubba on the head with a bat (a futile effort as we all know).

This is where the story ends. He never did finish it. This story is typical of most of the things he wrote back then. Common themes of his stories are midgets, impossibly fat people, things taking a crap, extremely stupid people, and gerbils in the rectum. What's really bad is that he often handed these stories in for school assignments. And even worse, he usually got good grades for them. One time he wrote a very short story about a monkey who swallowed a three hundred pound mango seed, and then split in half when it tried to take a crap. He turned that in and got an "A."