Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Thursday, January 09, 2003

I'm a puppy, kick me!

I'm off today, and I have no idea what I'm going to do today. So far it's almost 3:30 and I havent done a damn thing. I didn't even wake up until noon. I hate that, I hate sleeping past 11:00. If I do it just seems like the day is almost over, and the rest of the day always flies by, and it just ruins my day and puts me in a cranky mood. I'm probably gonna go hang out at Carl's Jr later, because my life sucks, and that's the best thing I have to do.

Cool, I have my MP3 player set on random, and now it's playing "Lucky Ball and Chain" by They Might Be Giants. They rule.

Daniel and Olivia's phone got cut off, because they couldn't pay the bill. So Alicia has no internet access and can't update her blog. It sucks. They will probably get the phone back on the next payday.

Now my computer is playing "Owner of a Lonely Heart." What an appropriate song.

Speaking of which, I've really gotta do something. Get some pills or something. I've been so depressed the last couple of months, and it just keeps getting worse every day. And especially every night. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week. I get so depressed at nights I can't even get to sleep anymore. I lie there deeply depressed or crying half the night. I've always been a cryer, my whole life. People who know me may be surprised by that, because I usually do not show any emotions, as little as I possibly can. But I cry all the time, not just from being depressed. Sometimes a beautiful piece of music, or a movie can bring a tear to my eye. Christmas specials especially. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special made me cry like a baby a few weeks ago. I don't think anyone noticed, but I was so depressed at the New Years Eve party that most of the time I was sitting over there by myself I was crying. I don't know how people didnt notice, I had tears running down my cheeks at several points. My new coat is tear-stained from it too.

It's the same old crap that's depressing me. I'm very lonely, and no one wants me. I would love some human contact. Even in a non-sexual, just friendly way. I hardly ever touch anyone, and no one touches me. About the only human contact I have in my life is when people walk past and accidentally bump into or brush against me, or when I hand people their change at work. That's basically the only contact in my life. Last night at work Alicia had some flour or something on the back of her shirt, and she had me wipe it off. That's the first time I've purposely touched someone in a long time (besides kicking them, playful or otherwise). Sometimes it is by choice I don't touch people. I have a problem with touching. Like at the Christmas party at work we were supposed to join hands in a big circle and pray, but I freaked out and refused to touch anyone. So, sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood or something, I don't want to touch or be touched. But the rest of the time, my mind and body both are starved for a little human contact. Even my family doesn't touch me. My family has never been big on touching or showing affection. I have never in my life seen my parents kiss, or even hug each other. That's the main thing that's wrong with me I think. They say that a kid that grows up in a house like that will be really shy. I've been hugged probably maybe ten times in the last 15 years or so. Most of those by relatives, like grandparents and aunts, and stuff like that. I've only hugged two girls that were not relatives, in my entire life.

Then another thing that bothers me is of course the whole sex and relationships thing. I'm 23 and I've only had sex once. I've only been out with one girl, and that wasn't anything really serious. She didn't consider herself my girlfriend, and if I accidentally suggested such a thing she got angry. We just went out four times, on pretty lame dates. I've never had a real relationship, with a real girlfriend, someone who loved me. Nearly all my old friends, and most of the people around here my age are already married and have a kid or two. My parents had been married for five years by the time they were my age.

Then another thing that depresses me is my total lack of a life. I'm 23 and I still live with my parents. I have a dead-end, nothing job, and no college education or anything. I've dropped out of college twice. I still just have no idea what I want to do, nothing interests me enough to go to school for it, or make a career out of it. Or the stuff that does interest me I just have no talent in, like writing, or something artistic or musical, or even acting, I've always thought acting would be cool if only I weren't so shy. I'd be a good villian. I need to get off my ass and at least go to a community college or vo-tech or something, and then find me a real job and move out of my parent's place, and then find a nice woman to maybe marry. But I just have no motivation to do any of that. I'm too lazy, I like having free time. I like being able to do what I want to do. I like being able to sit around and read, or surf the internet, or play video games, or watch cartoons, or whatever I want to do at the moment. That's why I wish I could just win a good lottery. $10 million or so. I'd buy a new car and a decent house, and then just stick the rest in the bank, or invest it, and live off the interest for the rest of my life. I'd still probably have a job, but I would be able to get by with something easy, like Carl's Jr. I enter contests and stuff all the time online. Things like iwon.com, and Publisher's Clearinghouse stuff.

Ok, enough whining and bitching. And this post is huge. I'm done now.

P.S. Here's a quote I heard a moment ago on a song (my computer is now playing Chumbawamba) that I really like: "There ain't no justice, just us."