Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

Hmmm. Weird night at work tonight. Me and Alicia were both hyper, and I spent most of the night goofing off talking to her instead of doing my job. Tonight she kept accusing me of being obsessed with her, because I write about her all the time, and stuff like that. I told her that it's because she's about the only thing I have to write about, I have a boring life, and because she's one of my best friends. In fact, she's my best friend, after Chris, and he's hardly ever around anymore, so...

I had something important to write about tonight, something important to me, anyway. Something, I wanted to say, but I'm having second thoughts now. Well, I was always having second thoughts about it, because it's not something that's easy for me to say. But now I'm also having second thoughts because I just don't think it's the right time to say it. But it's something I want to say, and something I need to say. Ok, here it goes, for better or worse.

You see, long before Crystal, and before Kristina (the only girl I've ever gone out with), there was Alicia. I've known Alicia for, what, something like two years now. And she's always been my friend. We got along together right from the start, and it wasn't long after she started work at Carl's before I considered her my friend. We would goof off and talk to each other, and say stupid and funny things, and do stupid and funny voices, crap like that. Pretty much what we still do now. Not too long after she started work there, Bill, one of the other managers told me, "You know who I think would make a cute couple?" And I was like, "no." And he said "You and Alicia." At the time I thought it was a stupid idea, she was just my friend, I didn't really think of her in that way at all. Not that I thought she was ugly or anything like that, I had just never really thought of it before. But then, about a year ago, I did start to think of her as a potential girlfriend. I never said anything about it to her though, though I really wanted to. I did finally mention it to Daniel, I told her that I had developed a "crush" on Alicia, and that I was thinking of maybe giving her something for valentines day, and finally saying something to her about my feelings for her then. I asked him if he had ever heard her say anything about liking me or anything like that, but he said he hadn't, but that we were friends, and it probably wouldnt hurt to try. In the end I, big surprise, chickened out. I didn't get her anything, and I didn't say anything to her. She was completely oblivious to it, which was kinda funny, because a couple of other people that worked there were starting to get suspicious, they had figured out that I liked Alicia. Anyway, I never said anything, and kinda got over it for awhile, but not completely over it, I still liked her.

Time passed, and Summer came, and Alicia left. She left for Colorado, she was going to be there the entire Summer, and was going to come back when school started back up. Before she left we exchanged email adresses and then the very night she arrived in Colorado she Instant Messaged me. And we talked for quite some time. She said that she already missed me and everyone else, and that she had already sent me something. I got the package a couple of days later, it was a Dilbert coffee mug, I love it. Anyway, we talked and she was all like "being gone away from everyone I've come to realize some things" and all that. And then she suddenly said "we should go out," I was amazed. I was like "NOW you say something!" And I told her about how I had wanted to go out with her for some time. She said she had no idea, blah blah blah, to make a long story short, we decided that when she came back we would go out sometime. Then she ended up coming back like three days later, she just didn't like Colorado and had to come back early because she missed everyone. A couple of days later I asked her, "so, are we still gonna go out sometime?" and she said yeah, but then that night, or the next night, I don't remember, she Instant Messaged me and said that she couldn't go out with me after all. I was very upset. Especially since I had just lost Kristina like two or three weeks before.

I was kinda mad with Alicia for awhile after that, but eventually I stopped hating her. Like I said before, Alicia is one of my best friends. She's my friend, and I love her. I don't like seeing her upset about anything and I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt her. And now, I've kinda developed a "crush" on her again. I'd still really like to go out with her sometime. The last few days especially, she's been on my mind a lot. That's why i had to write this. It would have been really hard to say anything to her face, so I'm saying it here. But it had to be said, I had to let it out, because it's been hurting me. And now I just hope I havent hurt her. She just went through a breakup and has really been hurt by it, so this was probably not the best time to say all this, but I couldn't hold it in anymore.

It's always upset me that, apparently Alicia's not interested in me. She almost never mentions me on her blog or website, and she even has a list of her friends on her website, and I'm not even on it. Or I wasnt the last time I looked, anyway. And then there's been a couple of times where she's like "Here's all the guys I like," and I'm not on that list either.

So maybe this is another one of those "unreturned love" stories, but that's what my life is all about. That's been the history of my life. Always in love, but never loved.

I'm also worried that maybe I shouldn't go out with Alicia anyway. I really want to, but I know that if I did, I'd just end up hurting her, because I'm a stupid asshole with some major problems. And the last thing I want to do is hurt her. She's been hurt enough.

I have to go now