Tonight at work I just suddenly started laughing uncontrollably because I remembered Tofu. Tofu is a character in some of the weird stories my best friend, Chris, wrote during high school. All of these stories were very weird. Very weird. One of them was a very short story about a monkey that somehow swallowed a 300 pound mango seed, and then split in half when he took a crap. That was the entire plot, and the actual story was just a few sentences long. He handed that one in for a grade, and actually got an "A" on it. Unfortunately, there are no existing copies of that story, that I know of.
Anyway, several of these stories starred Bubba. Bubba is the stupidest man on the planet, his catch phrase is "Why for you do dat?" He says that at some point in each story. Also in the "Bubba" stories was a character named Tofu. Tofu is a two-ton midget. Tonight at work I got a mental image of what exactly a two-ton midget would look like and started laughing very long and loud. I just did it again when I wrote about Tofu just now. I think I woke my sister up in the next room.
I have copies of one or two of the Bubba stories, and some of Chris' other stories. Unfortunately they are packed away with the rest of my stuff at the moment, and I don't know exactly where. Wait, I think I might have them in a text file on my computer somewhere...
Hmmm, they're not on this computer, maybe they're on the laptop, but I doubt it. If thought I transferred copies of all my text files to this computer. I thought I typed up the Bubba stories once... Ok, I'm still waiting for the laptop to boot up. It takes it like 10 minutes, really, and then it barely works when it does start up. But I'll save all those complaints for some other time. Ok, it's finally done...
Damn, the stories are nowhere to be found. I even checked Chris' old, defunct web site.
Anyway, the stories were all short, and none of them made much sense. They were mostly about two-ton midgets and people placing gerbils up their ass. But they were all hilarious. Some other characters were Fluffy the Gerbil, and Porridge Rump (sounds like Forrest Gump).
In the story I was going to put on here Bubba's just walking home with a big basket full of Ho-Hos snack cakes for his mother who is the size of a small house. When along comes Tofu, the two-ton midget. "Hey Bubba," Tofu says, "gimme all your ho-hos." "Okay," Bubba replies stupidly. When Bubba gets home his mother is very angry. "Why did you give him all the ho-hos?" she asks. "Because he asked for them," says Bubba. His mother replies, "Boy, you've got to be the stupidest person on the face of the planet," and sits on him.
So, as you can see, the stories are very low brow humor, but me and all my friends loved them. You think his stories were weird? Sometime I'll have to tell about Jared's stories. They were at least 10 times weirder. How weird? A couple of the stories featured Ronald Reagan's secret identity, Obi-Ron Kenobi, with his Ronald Ray-Gun. Oh man, I love that.
...and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.