Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients
of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that
treats people for sexually transmitted diseases.
Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD.
When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a
closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota
and they don't tell you they got something unless
they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like
a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched
with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger
of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend
from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that
bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell
like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other
baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked
like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend
and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman,
especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are
sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and
poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's
been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."